My Journey to Menstrual Cycle Awareness: How Understanding My Cycle Changed My Life
My journey to living cyclically has been long, circuitous and not without some major challenges. I have been fascinated and somewhat obsessed with my menstrual cycle ever since I was a teenager. At age 16, my blood stopped for 6 months, and my mother brought me to our family doctor. What I now understand is that my young body was simply regulating itself, but I was then diagnosed with amenorrhea and medicated through Hormonal Birth Control (HBC). My doctor told us that I would just go on the Pill for a few months, in order to “regulate” my period, but I became sexually active soon thereafter, so a few months turned into many years.
My story is not unique, most women are now given hormonal birth control for all sorts of reasons– from irregular cycles, to acne, PMS, excessive bleeding and cramping– the Pill is the go-to “solution” for all things menstrual. But is it really? Despite my doctor’s advice, when I came off birth control a few years later, I did not return to cycling regularly. In fact, my cycle was more inconsistent, and I would go for 8 or 9 months without a bleed. I felt deeply discouraged, frustrated and disconnected from such an essential part of what makes me a woman.
In my early twenties, I sought advice from many different medical and alternative medical practitioners. I received the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and was told that because I didn’t ovulate regularly, I would most likely need to use fertility drugs, if I wanted to conceive. My diagnosis of PCOS was reneged a few years later by a Reproductive Endocrinologist, only to be replaced with that of Athletic Amenorrhea, once again, the only solution the specialist provided me with was to go back on hormonal birth control.
In the two decades since I was initially put on the Pill, I have experimented with many forms of birth control, hormonal and non-hormonal, as well as a slew of alternative medical treatments, in order to help my body menstruate regularly. I tried acupuncture, Traditional Chinese Medicine, Maya Abdominal Massage, and I followed both Ayurvedic and TCM diets. Throughout my twenties I followed a pattern of going off HBC for about 6-9 months, as I tried desperately to get my body to menstruate, but when unsuccessful, I followed the doctor’s recommendations to go back on the pill; they claimed this would protect both my bones from osteoporosis and my fertility. My frustration all along was that none of the many doctors I saw cared to dive deeply into the heart of the matter. Why was I not menstruating regularly? What were the underlying causes?
Finally, I found a doctor who immediately listened to my cries for deeper support. She agreed with my long-held position that HBC was simply masking a deeper issue, which she was eager to get to the bottom of with me. In our first consultation, she immediately recommended that I get off HBC and requested a host of blood work, so that we could get to the core of the issue. After many months of tracking my (absent) cycle, lots of hormonal testing, and synthetic hormone supplementation that mirrors the body’s own hormones much more closely than the Pill, I began to cycle. It was not a regular cycle by any means, but I was menstruating, finally, after so many years of disconnection from my female essence.
Each time I bled I would literally shout for joy, “I got my period, whoopee!!!!” It was as if, slowly, my sense of self was returning. Until the blood returned, I hadn’t quite grasped the scope of the loss I had been enduring for over a decade. Medicating my cycle was simply a way of masking a deeper issue, and in doing so, it disconnected me from an essential part of myself. As I started to bleed with more and more regularity, I felt I was coming home to my body and my feminine essence.
However, I was still far from the healthy place I desired, because as I came off HBC, I started to develop chronic headaches and migraines, which plagued me up to 16 days out of each month. My compassionate doctor explained that she worked with many women who developed headache disorders after long spells of HBC, but that with diet and supplementation I could get them under control. I continue to struggle with headaches, but through cycle awareness, I have come to understand where the worst migraines tend to fall in my cycle, and have thus been able to eliminate as many triggers as possible at those times.
Things really shifted for me when I discovered Menstrual Cycle Awareness (MCA), a practice that goes beyond the symptomatic tracking of the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) I had learned in my early twenties. Menstrual Cycle Awareness was developed by Red School founders Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo-Wurlitzer. They describe it in the following way, “Menstrual cycle awareness is the act of knowing your body changes and valuing your unique cyclical pattern of energy and mood throughout the menstrual month.” In contrast to the Fertility Awareness Method, which tracks certain bodily signs and symptoms such as basal body temperature, cervical mucus and cervical position, in order to understand when you are fertile/infertile and when your period may come, Menstrual Cycle Awareness is a practice of tracking our ever-changing moods, energy levels, feelings and bodily symptoms throughout the menstrual month.
MCA includes an understanding that the emotional and energetic dynamic of the menstrual cycle mirrors the seasons of the year. Each month we move, metaphorically speaking, through the Inner Seasons (also developed by Red School). As our hormones change, we move from Inner Winter (menstruation) to Inner Spring (pre-ovulation), to Inner Summer (ovulation), to Inner Autumn (pre-menstruum). For a more in-depth look at the Inner Seasons, check out this blog post. For now it will suffice to say that MCA helps us learn to feel the journey our body and mind makes through these Inner Seasons, as our hormones change over the course of the menstrual cycle.
In my personal experience of practicing MCA, the discovery of the Inner Seasons was completely transformative, for it gave me permission to feel, and more importantly accept, all the ways my energy and emotions ebb and flow over the course of my cycle. Menstruation, or Inner Winter, has become a time to rest and retreat, as I finally give my body permission to let go of the constant doing that had defined my self-worth for so long. During my Inner Spring, I feel myself slowly building up energy to go out into the world, but also recognize my need to pace myself and take it slowly, not rushing into doing so much that I burn out. In my Inner Summer I feel liberated to reclaim the light, outgoing and sexy self that bubbles up at that time. In my Inner Autumn, I am now more able to accept the lower energy levels I feel at that time. As my appetite increases as well, I no longer berate myself for eating more; I know that my body is trying to build up her resources in preparation of menstruation. Most importantly, through the process of MCA and cyclical living, my cycle has become more and more regular over time. The power of bringing mindful awareness to my Feminine cycling body, has helped her to find her own unique rhythm.
As we begin to track our cycle days and bring attention to how we feel, our cycles may naturally regulate, as mine has done. We notice patterns and gain an intimate knowledge of our cycling body. Understanding that our Feminine bodies change constantly, and living our life as best as we can in accordance with our own cycle, helps us develop radical self-acceptance and live with greater ease and vibrancy, as we come into greater alignment with the energetic and emotional ebbs and flows of our life.
About the author: Ebb & Flow is the holistic women’s coaching practice of Emma Brinkman. Through menstrual education, women’s mentoring and somatic practice, Ebb & Flow works to connect women to the power and wisdom within their bodies, in order to live more easeful, sensual, vibrant and empowered lives. Follow along to stay up-to-date on blog posts and articles, and check out my offerings.
